100 Day Challenge - Day 4

I didn't do anything with the 100 day Challenge today because I had an exam. Afterwards I didn't feel like thinking about anything really. Perhaps tomorrow I'll try and write two pages. I just was tired and didn't really feel like it today.

100 Day Challenge - Day 3

So...it's getting to that point. Work and exams are hanging around every corner and I'm wondering how to keep this story under my sleeve. I pushed...and I pulled...and I wrote one more page. So I now have 2 pages written. If I could just spit out a page a day, I would definately reach the goal. Since these seem so short, I decided I'd place an excerpt from what I've written so far. So here goes:

Page 1
"Ellinia was a town built high in the trees of a magical forest. It was the town of the wizards. The people got along well, but there was not much change of scenery. The small houses built around the trunks of trees were connected by a myriad of rope bridges. Dakota knew where each of the bridges led and had traveled all over the city. He was prohibited from going down to the ground because there were dangerous monsters there."

Page 2
"If she had lived, he would have a family. He would have someone to worry about him when he didn't return at supper call. He would have someone to fuss with his unruly hair and make comments such as "a family of squirrels could live right here". He would have someone who always smelled like dandylions and who's smile could light up a room. He could have someone...who loved him"

So I hope those were some teasers of how my writing is going. Ta-ta!

100 Day Challenge - Day 2

Today i wrote the first page of the story. It's going to be hard because there's something in me that is never satisfied with my writing. So I have a notebook and I'm just going to keep pushing on. Then when I've filled it, I will type it up and then make changes and things to it. I'm still pretty excited about this challenge. It still scares the crap out of me, but it's interesting seeing it a day at a time. So hence closes Day Two.

100 Day Challenge: Day 1

So, today Carmen and I decided to start a 100 day challenge. Our goal? We hope that 100 days from now that we both will finish a completed copy of our first books. These two books will be complements of each other.

To start out we have developed characters and some of their back-stories. Carmen started working on a cover design for the books. We got some planning of what is going to happen in the first book and some of the things surrounding the story. I'm kind of nervous about this because I've never really written anything this long. I hope that I can pull this off. Day 1 was successful. Now we will just have to make sure it keeps going.

Until tomorrow...

School Stress

So I haven't posted in three days. I think that should probably show you whether or not I kept the "cleaning" mentality going. It's kind of hard to stay focused on everything that is going on. Sometimes lists help, but if I make a list I will just stress myself out. So what I'm trying to do is to just put the next thing in front of me. Right now, that is a huge project due tomorrow at 4:00. I wonder why people invented school to be stressful at the end. It feels like the biggest and most important assignments all happen on the same week. Why couldn't they all space them out just a little more?

Things have been going okay though. I'm coming to grips with a lot fo the things that have been getting me down. I think if I can just finish up this semester, good grades or bad, I will be able to put it behind me and move on. This semester has been the worst one in my college career. It has been one that I'm not proud of on any level. I just hope I can pick up the pieces and move on. The future looks bright, so that's what I will try and focus my emotions on. I'll be here hanging out with my church and developing some of the relationships to a deeper level. So this is my study cramming note where I tell you that I'm stressed, but no one is dying. When I'm down...I just read this:

"Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
- II Timothy 2:15

Cleaning Day

Today was a good day. It was one of those days that I can look back at and feel like I did some productive things. I cleaned up my room. That was needed so badly. I feel like some cows could have moved in here and felt disgusted by the conditions. However, I put a lot of time into this place and it looks pretty good now. My sister joined the blogging community, and you can check her out at . She is a lot more artsy than I am and you will probably fall in love with her and her rats pretty quickly. It's kind of funny how we've grown up together and really love to be with each other. It's one of those things that I definately thank God for.

While I was cleaning up today, I kept telling myself that this was what I was trying to do with my life. There's all these things right now that look dirty, probably can be cleaned up quickly, but I don't want to touch them. It's a hard thing to deal with. I feel like I've become such an ultra lazy person. The Men's Retreat really challenged me to step up and really take responsability for the things that God has given me charge over. One of those things is my grades, so I did some work today for school. I feel bad, because I could have done a lot more. However, I can look back and be genuinely satisfied with the work I got in today. I just hope it carries on over and keeps going.

Nothing would disappoint me more than for me to lose hope and just stop trying. It's so worthy a thing to try and pick up the pieces of my life right now. I've thought about it more, and I think that was God's purpose behind the accident. I think he wanted me to stop and take an honest look at my life and reevauluate what I've been doing. It's just been taking me a little longer than it probably should have. I see how many things he has given me, and the only reason they're falling apart is because I haven't been watching over them well. I haven't been pulling my end of the rope and letting him know how much it means to me. So today, is a cleaning day. I hope that I will continue to see the cleaning going on in my life.

Passivity

So today I went on a men's retreat and learned a lot about passivity. It is something that I myself am fighting like crazy. I never really thought of passivity in the Christian faith as I thought of it tonight. I struggle with this in school, relationships, my personal walk, purity, and other areas that I never really thought of much. I realize that I let a lot just go by me because I'm too lazy to try and do something about it. Well, I want to change. I want to stop being passive. I'm not sure what this is going to look like, but I want it to occur. The retreat continues tomorrow morning, so I'm going to grab some sleep. I just wanted to post about this amazing reawakening that I hope lasts. I want to see myself fighting to do the best in everything I come in contact with. This is what men are for. We are here to be physically and emotionally strong. I need to use the talents God gave me in order to further the things around me. I'm really excited about tomorrow's talks, and spending more time in this authentic fellowship.

Thanks "Why I Love Italy" for the comment. You should let me know what your blog address is so that I check you out. The comment helped give me a little boost today. Not that I NEED people to read this stuff...but it helped make me feel like there was someone out there. You also seem to be interesting...so I'd love to find out more.

Teaching and Remembering

Today was interesting. I felt like a real teacher. I've had so many doubts about whether or not I even want to do this profession. It's days like today that lift me back up and give me some hope. The teacher I've been working with all semester wasn't there today and she had a substitute. So what happened? The kids, knowing me better, depended on me to keep the class moving. She still was the one teaching the lessons, but I had to deal with permission slips and homework and helping them throughout the day with stuff they were struggling with. So I didn't feel full-fledged...but I could taste it a little. I could see myself doing this.

I then ate lunch with my Bible Study guy. He's one of the most amazing guys I've ever met in my life, and leading him in Bible Study has been awesome. I was meeting with him to challenge him to step up in leadership next year in Campus Crusade for Christ. He looked like he was ready for the challenge. He has been so faithful, so endearing. I'm glad that I've gotten to see his life this past year and really have gotten to be a part of his life.

Then I went to "A Time of Rememberance". At this we honored those who were killed at Virginia Tech. It was very sombering and definately a little hard to get through. There were a few people who knew those who had died, and hearing them talk about them and crying was really touching. It reminded me of when my suitemate died in a car wreck. Sometimes death is so shocking and it just throws us off. One of the girls there knew two of the girls because they went to her high school. I just hope that people pay attention to things like this and will remember what happens when we don't show love to those around us. This Cho guy seems like he was really lonely, and I wonder how many people tried to be his friend. I'm guilty of this myself. It was a really reflective time when I just got to pray for those people and again remind myself of how small my problems really are.

Nothing Left to Lose

This song kind of sums up how I feel right now. I'm a little more positive right now. I had some really meaningful conversations today. Don't you love it when that happens? When people actually talk to you about things that matter? I met a guy who I've known for a year and a half and we talked about some of the things that have been going through my head. He could see where I was coming from, but felt that I might be taking it a little far. I totally got him. After reading that post down there...I was freaked. Things aren't all that bad. This part of the song gets me right now:

I can still hear the trains out my window
from hobart street to here in nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
or where we'll go

come on and we'll sing, like we were free
push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off of the floor one more time to find you

First off...I live by a railroad. So I always hear the trains from my window...day and night. They were pretty annoying at first, but now I'm used to them and I will probably miss them when I move out at the end of the month. But then it goes one to say that I don't know how hard this wind will blow. I still aren't sure how bad everything is going to get. However, I know that once exams are over and I pick up the pieces of my GPA...I will live. These things are important...but God is more important. Somehow he has a plan for me to stay one more semester, even if it is to teach me a lesson. So the wind seems pretty hard, not sure where it's leading me, but I will try to let it blow me and just let go.

The biggest line of the song for me is "I'm off of the floor one more time to find you." This is how I view myself with God right now. I've kinda fallen a little in my faith and there's so much to work on. But I'm going to get off the floor and try and find him again. I hope I'm successful. I think the journey will be long...but I think he wants me to search. So right now I'm in a state of pleasant awareness. I haven't begun the full healing that God is going to bring, but I'm willing to start accepting it's presence in my life.

The Wreckage

So it's official...I'm delayed a semester. That really sucks. But, for some reason God must of deemed it to occur this way. I still don't understand how that works. I KNOW that I was meant to be here this year, but it was due to my own decisions and mistakes. How does God affect those things despite them being in our hands? I think it's amazing how much we can learn about Him, yet never get to the end of what is in his character.

I drove by the crash site today. I was headed to the Elementary School again today, and had to drive past it for the first time since I wrecked 3 weeks ago. The whole time as I was getting closer and closer I just started to tense up. It was if I imagined something was going to sweep me off the road and I was going to crash in the same spot again or something. So once I was done with the kids, I decided to drop back by the site and look at it for myself so I wouldn't have to wonder about it every time I passed by.

First thing I noticed...I was way off the interstate. No one could have seen me unless they were there during the accident. Then I noticed that I could have flipped if I had gone more to the left. I entered into this brush and totally tore down those small trees and bushes. Then I got to the tree I hit. All the bark was gone from my shoulders down. One of my doors was just laying there on the ground, and to the other side one of my headlights. I hit the tree at the very right part of my car, if I had gone more to the left...

So it's my goal to start thinking about this: I'm alive. These stresses wouldn't have mattered if I had died. So why freak out about them. Let God handle them, and just walk in his path as well as possible. So I'm still upset...but I am understanding also. I think this had to happen to wake me up. Heh, wake me up. And I was talking about sleep yesterday. Sometimes I feel like life is playing a cosmic joke on us.

Frustrated...

I feel like...there's fire under my skin. I can't sit still. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm screwing everything up, yet I can't concentrate enough to fix them. I don't still have a concussion, do I? See...this is fine. Writing in here is easy, no problem. But when I start trying to focus on anything for school it feels like my brain turns off. Why can't I just focus. I'm going to fail, and my parents are going to be disappointed with me. I'm freaking out right now. I have two lessons to teach tomorrow, and I can't even focus long enough to write my lesson plans. I'm so behind in all of my classes and I think I've used all my leniency points with my professors already. So what does this mean? Do I just give up? I can't, there's too much riding on this.

I'm so scared of failure. For me, it's the worst thing that could happen. And I just know that it is waiting for me here in a week or two. There's something majorly wrong with me. I seem to be tired of living. It's as if the car accident about three weeks ago took something out of me. How do I put it back in place. How do I fix all this messed up stuff that is coming my way. I don't think it's even possible. Why can't I just be happy, and keep living in the peaceful way that I have been. What is stopping me from moving on? Why can't I move on from this wreck? It's as if there is some power in it that is pulling me back to it all the time.

I mean obviously my eye is still screwed up, my back hurts, and I can't move as well. But I am alive. God saved me in the wreck and I'm supposed to be alive right now and living it like there was no tomorrow. I'm going to have to drive past the spot tomorrow. That's going to be weird. I don't know if I can do it. So yeah...I've got something loose right now, and I'm not sure what I need to do to fix it. I've got so much to do, and no will to do it all. So I guess if you believe in God, pray for me. I need to pray more faithfully myself, but it's so hard when I'm stuck in the middle of this circumstance. I don't know when I'm going to escape this. I will, won't I?

ZzZzZzZz...

Sleep.

Why is so important to us? It seems like this little secret that we don't really talk to anyone about. Think about it. If the average person sleeps 8 hours a day, then that means they are sleeping away 1/3 of their life. So much time is spent laying in bed with our eyes closed. Yet it is something that is necessary. If one goes too long without sleep, they start seeing things. If sleep isn't gained then we feel unable to do anything around us. We spend tons of money on beds, mattresses, sheets, comforters, pillows, and other things. Isn't funny how we spend so much time doing it, but not that much time talking about it? Maybe you'll mention "I'm tired", but you don't say "Man, at 4:00 this morning I was sleeping so good."

I bring this topic up, because it is ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong, I love sleep. But that's the problem. I overslept my classes today. I cannot afford to miss anymore classes, and I doubt my professor is going to be like "Oh sleep, yeah, i understand." That is the worst excuse in the history of excuses. I don't really know what I'm going to do. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be here for ANOTHER semester anyway, but I'm just getting tired (no pun intended...but I guess it is now or I would have chosen a different word). I'm sick of going through the motions of studying, and doing all this stuff. I doubt I'm even going to be teaching for long anyway. I want to do something more exciting, something that I can look back at and absolutely love it.

So I would sleep on this, but I bet I can't sleep anymore after sleeping all morning. So I guess awareness to my problem is probably the best solution. I'll have to go back to setting three alarms. Two with my clock and one with my cell phone. So let's just hope that I don't have anymore problems with this sleep factor, or I think I'm going to go insane.

Blogging

This is one of my favorite pictures that I took. The rust on the fence reminds me that time is flowing, and sometimes will try and tear us down. Yet the art in the fence is amazing and this photo makes me feel so comfortable. The tree on the right lets me feel like life is vibrant. So on the left is the aging of death, but it doesn't realize how alive we are. And in between these two is a path. This means that it is our choice to decide how we let these things affect us. I know this is cheesy, but it is something that always draws me back to this photo that I took last fall.

There seems to be this need in me to Blog. To share the innermost thoughts of mine with perfect strangers. I think it is because I feel like life was meant to be more theatrical. I was supposed to be on stage with my leading lady, and we were supposed to get the roses thrown to us in the end. Except I don't like to act. I don't even really like that much attention. Yet this desire is still inside me.

Is it because I feel that I'm surrounded by friends who talk to me everyday, but don't take the time to try and figure out who I really am? That could be true. Not that I don't have amazing friends who do care about me...but, I feel alone sometimes. I think that's probably normal though. Perhaps I should call this rambling instead of blogging. I never seem to stay on a topic for long in my head. It's like that art fact that my sister provided me with. Supposedly, the average person spends 6 seconds looking at a picture before they focus on something else. 6 seconds. To think of the hours that artists put into their work, and they only get that much of our attention.

Is that it? Do I want to know that someone is spending time on me? That could be. Yet blogging isn't exactly the cure for that. I doubt I'll even get comments for the first month because no one will be looking for me. I want to try and break into this culture though. A digital culture that I have so far enjoyed from the outside, but have been scared to enter into. The fear of rejection probably. So this was my first blog. Not monumental, not life changing, not bad, not good, not fake, not amazing...but it's me. And isn't that all that truly matters?